“Let go. I got you” That’s what I know my Higher Power is saying to me on a regular basis.
I picture it like a dad reassuring a little boy who can’t get down from the tree he was so sure he wanted to climb. “Just jump. I’ll catch you.”
Leaps of faith are scary, but what’s endlessly infuriating is knowing that my HP has caught me and otherwise saved my ass approximately 643, 872 times and still, when asked to jump, I somehow doubt it will go well.
My soundtrack generating brain:
“I have no fear of falling, but I hate hittin’ the ground.” – The Badlees, “Fear of Falling”
What’s worse, I know the times I hit the ground were the times I said to God, “I’ve got this. I can fly.”
When all else fails, I go back to what always works. I go back to listening. I pay attention to what’s going on within me and not just around me. I go back to separating what I have control over and what I don’t. I seek joy instead of happiness and I seek to be of service.
I return to following the connection I feel when I allow my intuition and spirit to coexist. I look through the right end of the telescope and put away the microscope. I allow myself to be led.
My perspective of others is consistently good. My perspective of self is often that of an over caffeinated child looking through two kaleidoscopes simultaneously.
When I have things in a healthy perspective, I know that what I need to let go of are things I don’t even want. They’re things that hurt to hold onto, things I cannot manage alone or even at all.
On my best of bad days, I wander around saying the serenity prayer 100x and simply focus on doing the next right thing. On my worst of days, everything is falling apart, it’s all my fault, and it’s never going to be okay when the dust settles.
Still there is a small voice that says, “Let go. It will fall into place.”
Stupid, annoying, inner voice of peace and good things. I know, I know, I know!
The conversation continues:
Ok, so do it. Surrender it to your HP.
I want to. I need to. But…but…but…
It’s okay that you’re scared. Stop being scared alone.
I’m not sure I’ve suffered sufficiently. Let me bang my head a few more times.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
Grrrr. Can’t you see that I’m busy agonizing?
I can see that. Is that what your HP wants for you?
Clarity comes through simplicity. I complicate things because I hate how they feel. I exacerbate things because I fear. I let go of things when I can no longer stand them. I move in the right direction when I move away from my will and toward what the Universe wants for me.
My prayer remains, “Help me to grow on my good days and not just when I suffer.”